---

(J is unavailable for comment, as he's mentally packing for his upcoming vacation. He's also wondering if everyone really liked Reagan that much, after all, and would like to thank his "fans" for their thoughtful shipments of adult diapers. If that ever starts to be an issue, he will be well-stocked for the next ten years...

(To fill in the column void, we've asked Conspiracy theorist extraordinare Tim Foil to comment on a little-regarded piece of recent news. You may remember Tim as the author of Saturday Night Holocaust: How Hitler Invented Disco, and the writer of a sadly-neglected script on the real Ronald Reagan. He has graciously taken time off from his Congressional campaign to expound on the seriousness of this under-reported matter.)

My Fellow Americans

Colonel Moamar Khadaffy, the eccentric - read "mind-controlled" by aliens - autocratic Socialist ruler of Libya, has been accused by the Saudis of attempting to have their Crown Prince assassinated.

Considering that the actual ruler has been dead for years - and replaced by a somewhat-faulty Soviet-made Replicant at official state functions - this would throw the Kingdom into turmoil. The remaining princes would fight over succession, and there would be no guarantee that the victor would be as "America-friendly" as the current regime.

It would seem that the plot was hatched right around the same time Libya was "coming to its senses" and behaving like a "responsible" country yet again. So much for the Bush Administration's claims that Iraq would start a positive domino effect in the region.... not that this was really the plan, anyway!!!

Speaking of that plan, Al-Qaeda is supposed to be linked to this nefarious plot as well, in some capacity. And so the American government is "looking into it," as you would expect them to.

But then, anyone who has been paying attention can probably connect the dots between the Saudi royal family - one of the most despotic, non-communist regimes in the world - and the Bush White House, which is partially in the thrall of the Syndicate, yet another front for those few alien sympathizers left on earth after their masters' forced exodus in the mid-80's, courtesy of the now-late Ronald Reagan.

If even a two-bit, psuedo-socialist hack like Michael Moore can "get it" on that one - minus many amazing, key facts, of course - so can anyone.

But since the story has originated both with the Communist-controlled New York Times and the islamist, state-run Saudi media machine, the "news" ignores this connection. It ignores other things as well, all diluted down in favor of "sanity" - because of the "fact" that two different "people," in the custody of two different "governments," have told the "same" story. Therefore it must be worth looking into.

And it is! But not, I submit, for the reason the co-opted news would have you believe.

Partial proof of this reason is revealed in a further curiosity: you would think that this story, with a link to our deadliest enemy in the War on Terror, would be front-page news. But it is instead all but buried. Why?

We have known about this for "months," says the co-opted news. But yet these accusations have only come to light in the last few days. Why?

And can it be just a coincidence that this "news" is broken not only mere days after Ronald Reagan - the greatest president of the 20th century, and a committed foe of the Colonel - was reported to have died, but just after the once-in-a-lifetime solar transit of the planet Venus?

My friends, the truth behind the news is much more sinister than ham-fisted assassination plots carried out by a withered, aging madman who cannot ignore personal slights. I submit to the American people that Ronald Reagan was actually targeted for a strange form of assassination in the 80's by Colonel Moamar Khadaffy, under the orders of the aliens that the late, great President banished from earth.

It is only now that Reagan has died that some measure of payback is being applied, however "discreetly." And so we shall see another "man" die as the might of the military-industrial complex weighs down upon his lonely tent - fembot bodyguards or no.

The "rational" side of your mind may be balking at reading further, but I urge you to overcome the mental block the aliens have placed upon you, and be enlightened. They laughed at me when I proved that the Easter Bunny was a Communist. But no one is laughing now!!!

And when you finish this essay, you, a sadder but wiser American, I promise, will not be laughing, either...

Colonel Khadaffy: "Eccentric" Tyrant and Alien Abductee...

Many a man has been tapped for undeserved greatness by strange, unforeseen circumstances. And sometimes these "circumstances" come by way of Zeta Reticuli XIX, home of the so-called "Grey" aliens, who have tried to enslave our planet via World Communism since the start of the 20th century.

We received a dire warning of what was happening during the Roswell incident, but not soon enough to stop Russia, and Eastern Europe, from falling into their clutches. But the battle between east and west had a middle ground, and that middle ground needed to be claimed.

Enter such dupes as Colonel Khadaffy, who took over his country in a "bloodless" coup after being abducted by the Greys. They turned him into a walking radio receiver, endlessly broadcasting and receiving messages from their bases all over the world, and from their main staging ground on "Pluto," which Khadaffy was taken to for further surgery on and off during the late 80's.

One of their early experiments in meshing human tissue and alien bio-organic devices, Colonel Khadaffy is something of a useful failure. His "eccentricities" are the result of his mind being little more than a pile of smashed, insectile junk. The aliens' later man-alien meshes, such as William Jefferson Clinton, most probation officers and the entirety of the American Psychological Association, are much more... shall we say... "together." (But the Colonel still has his uses, as we shall soon see.)

After Reagan managed to throw off the yoke of alien tyranny, early in his first term in office - as my so-far scornfully rejected screenplay would reveal!!! - Khadaffy was activated against America, along with other Communist and Socialist threats, most notably in Central and South America. This was the era of the Sandanistas, who were bringing mental enslavement from beyond the stars to the humble people of the region...

However, given the poor state of his mental health, Khadaffy's only real purpose was as a tactic of irritation. Who could forget the infamous "line of death," and numerous other seemingly stupid and futile shenanigans that could only ever end in self-effacing defeat? Where was his deadly hit squad? Only the Lockerbie bombing showed his true potential as a terrorist menace, but even that was a feat never repeated.

No - man-alien mesh or not, Khadaffy wasn't the warrior the Aliens thought they were getting when they cored out his anus and filled him full of "space crickets." He could never hope to outwit, outshoot or outmaneuver an America that was captained by the likes of Ronald Wilson Reagan. And after a few missile strikes "showed him how vulnerable he was," Colonel Khadaffy seemed to "disappear" from our radar, replaced by other, more pressing concerns.

But then came the day that "someone" stole President Reagan's brain.

The President's Brain Was Missing...

Ronald Reagan died, not so long ago, or so the co-opted Communist media say.

In reality, the man known as Ronald Wilson Reagan has been "dead" since the mid-80's: victimized by a cruel and evil deed at the hands of his mortal enemies. What might have seemed unthinkable did indeed come to pass, and while his socialist, mindsmashed critics thought they were only joking when they said the President had no brain, they were more right than they knew. Indeed, Ronald Reagan had not had a brain for almost two decades!!!

Impossible, you say? Some said it was impossible to go faster than the speed of sound, or split the mighty atom, or to fake Moon landings in the Nevada desert with no one blabbing about it! But all these impossible things have come true, and this, sadly, is no exception. Ronald Reagan's brain was taken from him, by the aliens, in retaliation for getting them off-planet, and keeping them there.

How it happened was never truly known at the time. He was "just fine" in the morning, the inside sources say, but in the afternoon he slumped over at his desk and could not be roused from what seemed a vegetative state. Once they realized this was not a harmless, afternoon nap, they performed tests in the secret hospitals under the White House, and discovered the horrifying truth. Except for the so-called "lizard brain," which handled all autonomic functions, the President's brain was completely missing from his skull...

One wonders, then, why we didn't have six or more years of President Bush (or the actor called in to portray him, after the alien "Bush" was sent packing, too). The answer is that, in a way, we did. We also had President Nancy Reagan, as well. For those long, sad and lonely years, when he seemed to be going "downhill," Reagan really was little more than a puppet, though his movements and speeches were courtesy of loyal Americans.

How was this possible? I hear you asking. Perhaps you remember the old Star Trek episode in which the half-breed alien Mr. Spock - responsible for more damage to America's culture than you could ever think - has his brain removed as well? Dr. McCoy puts a remote control device on his head, which allows them to puppet a brain-dead Spock around, he gets his brain back, and so the story goes...

What many are unaware of is that, during the time the show was on the air, Gene Roddenbury was called in by the CIA, and debriefed at length concerning the show. They wanted to know where he got all these "crazy ideas" about teleporters, warp drives, talking computers and the like. And when they realized that his was but a febrile and somewhat hackneyed imagination, with no real understanding of the principles involved, they sent him on his way.

(They did, however, make certain that the show ran for only two seasons. Unfortunately, it proved more popular in its demise than it was in its life. And now the entire world looks to the skies, waiting for a benign entity like Mr. Spock to show up and help us in our hours of need. If only they knew!!!)

But it was, indeed, the notion that a man's otherwise-brainless body could be remote-operated by a machine that piqued the interest of the CIA. In fact, they had been doing it for years, based on the much more "advanced" - read "stolen from the aliens" - technology of the Soviets. But where the Soviets were willing to work on the cheap, and mass-produce, the CIA cleverly worked with a budget, and were careful about where it went.

So, in a top-secret operation, Ronald Wilson Reagan was fitted with a remote control device - one discretely operated by Nancy Reagan and/or the actor portraying George H. Bush, or one of the other White House staff. It wasn't the most convincing of acts, and there were numerous goofs, gaffes and mistakes made while Nancy or "George" were piloting the man around, but America never knew that its leader had been the victim of alien brain theft. The blast to our nation's morale that would have happened had he been reported a vegetable never came, the Cold War was won, and the influence of the alien in Soviet Russia was mostly dismantled.

Eventually, the second term ended, and Ronald Reagan left the White House. He was active, for a time, but his wife decided that operating him in public and private became too painful and tiresome. They concocted a story about Alzheimers, and put him away to rest - his long battle done. And, shortly prior to this writing, they at last decided to end the charade altogether, allowing the body to slip away at last.

At Last, the Truth Can Be Told!!!

But how are these two stories connected? A vital clue can be found in the Colonel's weird relationship with the so-called Children of God: a strange, CIA-sponsored religion that seemed to be a human intelligence experiment gone seriously awry during the 70's.

I need not go into great detail about the evils of the Children of God, their child smut disguised as sacraments, the death of River Phoenix and numerous other affronts. This has already been explored at length by the incomparable Alex Constantine in his excellent Psychic Dictatorship in the USA.

But I would point out that, amongst his other affairs with this disgusting ministry, Colonel Khadaffy - ostensibly a Muslim - wrote a religious song for them, which is quoted in part, here:

Keep in mind that this song was performed by them whenever they went "on tour" to promote their cult, back in the 70's, before they were forced to change their name when their backlog of sins became too large for even the otherwise co-opted insect mesh police to ignore. This would have been sung all over the world, in other words.

But what does it mean? To discover the secret message of these verses, we must turn to the budding science of "back-masking," whereby information is stored in reverse in a recording. This reversed information is heard when the recording is played, and absorbed subconsciously by the brain. It may be played backwards, but it is understood forwards, however darkly.

Many scoff at the notion, and its use in explaining Heavy Metal music casualties is all but discounted by our "sophisticated" courts of law. But we should not be so quick to judge, because reverse language is not only the province of Satanists in the music industry, but is also how the aliens secretly communicate with one another!!! And, thanks to their more advanced brains, they are able to understand it fowards perfectly after hearing it backwards.

(It also goes a long way in explaining the popularity - and imagery!!! - of such otherwise-unremarkable bands as Blue Oyster Cult, but this is another story for another time...)

So, if one was to take the following, quoted verses, and play them backwards, one would get a series of sounds. And these sounds would, to the untrained ear, be recognizable only as so much off-key noise. And you would probably take this point in the demonstration to laugh, and ask us if we'd been talking to that noted Stepford Socialist Tipper Gore, lately.

But then we must remember that the aliens do not speak as we do; Their alien civilization has an entirely alien language, which we are, thankfully, incapable of learning. I know some who have tried, from my time of inappropriate and illegal incarceration in Bellevue, and they are sad relics of men, indeed. The human brain was not built to handle that much paradoxical partyspeak nonsense at once!!!

Fortunately for we few, true investigators of the dark, hideous facts of the world, the aliens' code can be partially broken. For we know, for a fact, that the abomination that is Esperanto is the closest we humans can come to replicating their evil, Communist language!!!

Yes, my friends: had the "man-made" language been more accepted, we would now be more than halfway to the aliens' goal of a Communist Earth, and we must be ever-thankful that most Americans are too lazy to learn anything other than English.

(In fact, the acquiring of a second language by any American should be closely watched by the authorities. But that is yet another column, for yet another day...)

So, we must take these sounds, and have someone who has learned Esperanto - including, to his shame, in the quest for truth, no matter what the cost to my person, your humble correspondent - listen to these backmasked sounds, and render them into that ersatz-alien language.

Then we must translate it back into English, so that all can understand...

I am certain that many readers have now fallen off their seats in sheer, abject horror, but worse is yet to come. Consider that the aliens are able to hear this sort of message from all over the world, thanks to their remote sensors. Consider that while they cannot - they dare not!!! - land their saucers for fear of instant nuclear annihilation, they can still act in small ways.

And consider that not only was Gene Roddenbury debriefed about such "science fiction gadgets" as an artificial brain, but also a matter transporter!!!

One final piece of the puzzle remained unsolved until just recently. A seemingly harmless cassette tape has been lurking in the national archives for years. It was given to President Reagan during the 80's, and has been amongst the tons of letters, postcards and "gifts" that the President received in his time in office.

The tape features a man with a strange, North-African accent, singing "Happy Birthday, Mr. President." The voice is clearly that of Colonel Khadaffy, though the cadence is off, no doubt due to a poor attempt sound just like the late fembot, Marilyn Monroe, who famously warbled the following to John F. Kennedy:

But when we run the tape backwards, and translate the sounds into Esperanto, we get the following sinister message

The connection between these two coincidences? Lest we forget that, following his assassination at the hands of the CIA, the brain of John F. Kennedy disappeared from the national archives!!!

And there you have it: at long last, after years of pretense, the alien insect mesh person known as Colonel Moamar Khadaffy is going to be piledrived into powder at the behest of the highly morally questionable - but at least alien-free - Saudi government.

This is, no doubt, a sop from the Syndicate to the Saudis to keep certain other matters unsaid, hence the lack of large press about the matter. And there is little doubt that whichever previously-faceless replacement that takes up the Colonel's smoking seat of power will be an alien dupe, or possibly even a Replicant.

But Americans can rest easy knowing that the alien-tainted scum who helped lay low one of the greatest American Presidents ever is going to get his, any day now - space crickets and all, just like the last person who succeeded in stealing a president's brain - however post-mortem - Marilyn Monroe!!!

Sic Temper Tyranus!!!

Yours in the truth

Tim Foil - author, truthseeker, (possible) Congressional Candidate for Massachusetts' 4th District

"We had Libya all ready to go and Colonel Khadaffy's hit squad didn't even show up... I tell you, that man is unreliable..."

"Kinky Sex Makes The World Go 'Round" - Dead Kennedys